The Lucan Fitness Alliance

We all know players who excel in practice but falter during game time, or high-level scorers who dominate one age group but struggle to maintain their performance at the next level of play. As athletes mature and competition intensifies, the disparity between potential and performance becomes increasingly apparent—and much of this gap revolves around confidence and resilience, qualities often influenced by parents and coaches.

Having coached thousands of young athletes, I’ve witnessed a common pattern: children who demonstrate early promise and receive excessive outcome-based praise often lack resilience when faced with tough competition or when their natural abilities no longer guarantee success. I’ve seen players drafted in the top 5 of the OHL or leading junior hockey scorers struggle to advance further because they crumble in the face of adversity.

Why do some players possess all the skills to excel on the ice yet consistently underperform or fail to transition their success to higher levels of sport? And what can we do to help?

It starts with being mindful of how we praise our children from a young age. Parents often make the mistake of showering their kids with accolades, believing it will boost their self-confidence. Statements like “You’re the best out there,” or “You’re such a great goal scorer,” place undue emphasis on outcomes and set children up for failure when immediate success is not achieved. When praise is tied to outcomes, children learn to equate their worth with performance, rather than effort.

Instead of focusing solely on outcomes like goals or wins, we should commend children for their work ethic, resilience, and determination. By linking praise to effort rather than results, we teach kids that their confidence stems from something within their control—hard work—rather than external achievements.

Some of the most successful adult athletes I know were not standout stars in their youth. Conversely, some players who excelled in lower levels of competition faltered when faced with higher challenges. Those who consistently had to work for their success often fared better under pressure, as they were not burdened by unrealistic expectations.

Parents who have experience playing sports at a high level tend to be more reserved in their approach, while those who lack such experience may be more prone to vocal criticism. However, constructive criticism should be introduced gradually as the athlete matures, with a focus on positive reinforcement and instruction until they reach a level of confidence and maturity to handle more critical feedback.

Ultimately, confidence is paramount for young athletes, and parents play a crucial role in either fostering or undermining it. By rewarding effort over outcomes, encouraging resilience, and helping children build confidence before each game, we can empower them to reach their full potential in sports and beyond.

What about at game time?

We can empower our children to cultivate confidence before they even step onto the field or court through positive reinforcement. Often, young athletes wait for a standout performance to boost their spirits, tying their motivation to achieving a ‘big play.’ Instead, encourage your young athlete to proactively shape their mindset before the game begins. Offer words of encouragement such as, ‘Your hard work in practice has paid off, you’ve shown dedication and improvement—now, go out there, enjoy the game, and showcase your skills.’ Emphasize that you’re not fixated on the score or outcome, but rather on their effort and commitment to giving their best performance. Let them know that making mistakes is not only acceptable but expected as part of the learning process to become the best player they can be. By understanding that effort outweighs metrics and mistakes are opportunities for growth, young athletes can play with creativity and freedom, unburdened by the weight of parental or coach expectations.

As our young athletes mature, our approach to feedback and expectations can become more nuanced. However, constructive criticism and guidance should be reserved for when the athlete demonstrates maturity and confidence. Before the age of 12, it’s crucial to maintain a predominantly positive tone in interactions with young players, focusing on instructional corrections rather than criticism. From ages 12 to 16, we can gradually introduce more instructive feedback and set expectations, always ensuring it’s accompanied by positivity and support. Once an athlete reaches 16 and continues to compete at a high level, it’s appropriate for coaches to take the lead in providing more critical feedback on performance and setting performance-based expectations, while parents continue to offer support from the sidelines.

While most parents have good intentions and aspire to nurture their children’s potential, it’s essential to recognize that parental influence significantly shapes a young athlete’s self-confidence. Therefore, it’s crucial to be mindful of how we communicate with our children. 

Remember:

• Acknowledge and reward effort rather than solely focusing on metrics.
• Encourage a positive attitude towards mistakes, emphasizing their role in the learning process.
• Help your child build confidence before each game through positive affirmations and encouragement.
• When offering constructive feedback, ensure it is instructive and supportive.”

Articles and Resources Related to this Topic

Articles

• Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)
• Why do beliefs about intelligence influence learning success? A social cognitive neuroscience model (Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience)
• Rethinking stress: The role of mindsets in determining the stress response (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)
• A synergistic mindsets intervention protects adolescents from stress (Nature)

If you’re interested in learning more about growth mindset research in kids, watch this quick 8 minute clip from Dr.Huberman